I am an After-Thought

Let me begin with this question.

Have you ever felt like an after-thought?

Jason finds out there's an outing planned by his closest friends and they invite him at the last minute... or not at all. Laura feels left out when her parents are discussing the success of her older brother. David wonders if his friends talk to him out of anything other than pity. 'If I just didn't show up one day, would anyone miss me?' he thinks. Megan's closest friends often will leave her behind or not even say hello when they see her.

Have you ever felt like that? Sure you have. Everyone has. I have. Plenty of times.

I have a philosophy. If the Enemy is not attacking a Christian, he has no reason to. If Luke Skywalker and the rebels didn't fight to destroy the Death Star, do you think that Darth Vader would have flown his own personal TIE fighter out into battle? If Sauron didn't believe Frodo had any chance at making it up to Mt. Doom, would he have sent hoards of orcs after them? If Lord Voldemort didn't think Harry Potter, the Boy who Lived, was any threat to him, would he have devoted his strength and ability to killing a mere teenager?

As a Christian, we have an Enemy, too, don't we? The bible calls him a 'deceiver.' In fact, his first assault on attempting to rip humanity from the arms of God was to get them... us, essentially... to believe his lie.

What lie is he trying to feed you? I think I've figured out mine.

'You are an after-thought.'

I think the one thing that can destroy my confidence... that can isolate me from the people I love... that can singe my heart to ash is thinking and feeling 'I am an after-thought.' And I feel that quite often, coming from the people I love the most, no less.

It's a very lonely thing - the feeling that you're not important enough to matter, or that your closest friends or your own family acknowledge you only out of pity or so they don't look completely rude. It's led to many tears, many days where I just don't want to get out of bed... it's even led to me going to the doctor and having him put me on antidepressant medication... but they haven't helped at all. What is wrong with me?

Am I really so unlikable that even the people I thought I was closest to or the people I love the most scoff in disgust at the thought of me? That they hear me speak and look away? They run off and leave me behind, they plan family dinners without me, or they just plain act like they don't care at all? What have I done to offend them - Am I really so wretched?

This is an attack on my own heart if I've ever seen one... and I've seen plenty.

The thought of being an after-thought was plaguing my mind the other night and, I don't know how, but I began a text message conversation with someone I've probably only shook hands with once, but have Facebooked and had phone conversations with for a while now. He's a new friend that came about from both of us having a mutual friend - anyway, we were texting, and he ended up being a major encouragement to me.

I forgot how it came up, but I think I asked him just what I'm writing about right now. 'Have you ever felt like an after-thought? Like, even to the people you love the most?' His answer was absolutely a God-send; just what I needed to hear, even if it was something I already knew (which these things often are).

"...If we can wrap our minds around this, we'll never be the same. To your Savior, you are never an after-thought. You are His only thought!" (Zach R.)

Wow, huh? It's true, though. Even though I knew this already, it feels very important to have someone tell you this, personally. The very idea that there is actually someone - the God of the universe - doesn't even look at me as just a part of the human race, but as an individual; as someone who He has plans for, as someone He's proud of... someone He died for JUST so that He could be with... me? That is an incredible truth.

That's not just feel-good Christian talk, either. We find it all throughout the Bible, but I think it's summed up best in the most popular Bible verse of all. John 3:16.

"For God so loved the world, that he gave His one and only son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life." (John 3:16)

A more heart-felt translation might put it this way.

"God loved you, as an individual, so much, He stepped down out of His own Kingdom to die for you - to pay your debt - because he loved you so much. Because He has done so, He's given you the opportunity to live forever, and perish not."

John Eldredge says this in his breath-taking book, 'Waking the Dead.'

"We rebelled, and the penalty for our rebellion was death. To lose [you] was too great a pain for God to bear, and so he took it upon himself to rescue [you]." -John Eldredge

I think when we think of Jesus coming to save the world, we think about Jesus coming to save everyone rather than Jesus coming to save EVERY ONE. Notice the space. Every individual, not just humanity as a collective. He came to ransom and rescue you, dear reader. He came to rescue you, specifically. Think about that for a moment. He came to rescue you, as an individual.

Which reminds me that... He came to rescue me. He came to rescue Matt Walker.

I am no after-thought to the person who matters most. I am adored by Jesus Christ. So much so, that being nailed to a beam of wood, hanging for hours with broken bones as a crown of thorns lodged into his skull causes him to die a slow and painful death... was less painful than the very thought of being apart... from me. Matt Walker. For God so loved Matt Walker...

Even though I know my friends love me, even though I know my family loves me, even if they didn't... the fact of the matter is that nothing I could ever do can separate me from God's love. The remarkable thing about that love - the thing that proves I am no after-thought - is that God chose me, like he chose you. It wasn't a collective salvation effort. He looked at me, he looked at you, and there was not a doubt in His mind: '[Insert Name Here] is worth it, to me.' That is an incredibly encouraging thought.

Next time you struggle with the idea of being an after-thought, or even less than that... remember that, quite simply, you are not. You're more than just a sinner saved by grace. You're more than a Christian, and you're more than a number on some divine Christian tally list. You are an heir to a Kingdom because the almighty Creator and Ruler of existence said 'You know, I love that guy/girl so much, that I'm going to have them do big things.' You are loved.

I am loved.

Thanks for reading.

Story Teller, Part Two: 'Character Development'

"He's a real Nowhere Man, sitting is his Nowhere Land, making all his Nowhere Plans for Nobody..."

Peter Parker is the nerdy High School kid that just wants to 'get the girl.' Frodo Baggins is a Hobbit from the Shire where 'nobody ever had adventures or did anything unexpected.' Luke Skywalker is the lonely farm boy on the desert planet of Tatooine where he feels he's 'never gonna get out of [there...].' Harry Potter is a miserable orphan living with his awful Aunt and Uncle who 'were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much.' Sora is a teenage boy from a small island in the middle of nowhere. Link is a Kokiri child living in a tree house. Abraham Lincoln is born, poor, in a log cabin, and homeschools himself by candlelight for years. Jesus of Nazareth is born the son of a common carpenter in a barn.

All these stories, whether they're fictional or not, all start similarly, do they not? You have your main character living a pretty... boring life. Sometimes, it's a hard one, at that. King David is a scrawny shepherd. Aragorn is basically Middle Earth's equivalent of a hobo. Jack Shepherd is a normal doctor with daddy issues. The list goes on, and on, and I think, a lot of times, we can relate. I know I can.

Some one asked me not too long ago to 'tell them the Matt Walker story.'
"I'm afraid it's pretty unexciting and uneventful up to this point," I replied.
"Well, it's not finished yet," he said.

In part one, I talked about my drive to be a story teller. About how, since birth basically, I've been creating stories and tales and worlds and characters because... it just felt right. Whether I express that through my writing, or filmmaking, or even just imagining and dreaming - I feel, at my core, I was born - I was created - to be a story teller. But, at the end of the last post, I expressed how things have slowed down considerably in recent days.

Which makes me think about where I could possibly be in my timeline right now. Sometimes... actually, a lot of the time, lately... I feel like Bilbo having morning tea with Gandalf. Glancing out the window on the lovely home he's blessed with, but feeling... discontented. 'Like... butter scraped over too much bread,' he says. Sometimes, I feel like Peter Parker, dreaming of the day he can get the girl, move past his years as a teenager, and get on to what he was meant to do. Sometimes, I feel like Luke Skywalker or Sora from 'Kingdom Hearts' and I just want to... go.

Go away, physically? Not really. More like... hurry up. Go ahead. Get to Act II. Press the 'Next' button on the remote; skip to the next chapter; cut to the chase. You get my drift.

I know this is foolish, I know it is. I know I'm supposed to 'Wait for the lord, be strong and take heart,' (Psalm 27:14) and I know that 'God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them,' (Romans 8:28) but when? When does Obi-Wan give me my lightsaber? When does Gandalf tell me I need to leave for Rivendell? When does the radioactive spider bite me, or when does Hagrid knock down my door one day and say 'Guess what, Matt? You're not only capable, but were born with the natural ability, to do extraordinary, supernatural, unexplainable things?'

It feels like it's taking forever.

Worse than that, I feel like I'm going the wrong direction. Even though I know it takes time and patience to get there - it's a long path, indeed - I feel like I'm going down the wrong path altogether. Like in 'The Fellowship of the Ring' when the Company is nearly brought down by the mighty blizzard on top of Mt. Caradhras, as they're going the wrong way in the first place. I'm not acting like Jonah, though, where God told him to go one way, and he's going in the other - no, not at all. I feel like I'm out at sea without a map. Lost in the forest without a guide. Wandering a mountain range without so much as a path.

But (and here comes the kicker)... is that such a bad thing?

Think about a story that begins with the hero in Nowheresville, doing nothing, with no adventure, no lover, no nothing. Where do we learn the most of that person? Where do authors and filmmakers take the time to develop their characters? In the first scenes and in the first chapters. Where do television producers take time to tell back stories, to develop personalities, to make you care about the people they've created? In the first season. In the first Act.

So what is the Author of eternity doing and planning during my first chapter, or rather, my first book?

A lot of the time, our favorite characters are thrust into circumstance that later lead to the rest of their story. Luke's home is attacked, the storm visits the Destiny Islands, word of Voldemort rising again startles the Wizarding World, etc. But they all start from somewhere, do they not? 'From humble beginnings...' we hear often.

My prayer these days is that God is developing me like a hero in an epic story. That He is using this time of seemingly inactivity to shape me into the person - the man - I was created to be, prepared to do the things He has prepared me to do, and the stories He has inspired me to tell. My prayer is that when the day does come that the Ring falls into my hands, that I know what to do with it. When I take off with Han Solo and Obi-Wan Kenobi, that I understand the ways of the Force. That when I stumble through the wardrobe in to Narnia, I'm wearing a coat to keep me warm and safe. That when the time comes, I'm ready to take up my cross and follow Him.

That is my prayer. It's exciting to think about the future, and the good things God has planned for us. Let us not, however, forget the crucial step of character development. Without character development... well, we're just in a crappy movie like 'Avatar,' aren't we?

So it is, eventually, that Peter Parker becomes Spider-man, and saves the city and wins the heart of Mary Jane. Frodo Baggins saves Middle Earth. Luke Skywalker redeems his own father, and puts an end to tyranny in the Galaxy. Harry Potter defeats the Dark Lord. Sora understands the light that exists in the human heart. Link defeats Gannondorf, Abraham Lincoln becomes the President that sets the slaves free, and Jesus Christ raises from the dead, and ascends into Heaven.

I wonder what Matt Walker will do?