Worlds Apart

"I am the only one to blame for this.
Somehow it all adds up the same.
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride,
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
with a world I try so hard to leave behind.
To rid myself of all but love;
To give and die..."

I feel like sometimes, I'm so close to God. I feel alive, and I feel vibrant, and I feel like I can conquer the world, and that Jesus Christ can radically change the world through me. Then, other times, I feel like I'm worlds apart from him. I feel dead. Motionless. Defenseless. Not able to life a finger to command the sin in my life. I'm redeemed; I'm saved. But it's still there; ready to strike like a lion; a thief ready to steal my happiness, kill my love, and destroy my life. (John 10:10a)

It's my fault, though. I am the only one to blame for this. Somehow it all adds up the same.

The selfish pride I fly upon says 'I love Jesus, but I try and save myself with my behavior.' But, like Icarus, I collide with the fire, my wings melt, and I begin the long fall back to earth - the world I tried so hard to leave behind.

How can I rid myself of all but love, and give and die?

"To turn away and not become
another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
more deeply than the oceans,
more abundant than the tears
of a world embracing every heartache..."

Today, at church, Pastor Jerry was talking about The Enemy of ours. What I want to know is why he continues to pursue me after he knows he's lost me? Jerry brought up a passage that I actually read in John Eldredge's 'Waking the Dead,' which is an absolutely amazing book. I remember reading this, too. He says that the enemy fears what I am capable of, so, of course, he's going to do everything in his power to stop me from doing what I can actually do.

I think of it as a secret soldier, sneaking into the King's camp, taking the armor of his knights, and weakening them; taking their swords and dulling them to the point of being ineffective. I feel, sometimes, like that's what the Enemy is trying to do to me.

"All said and done I stand alone
amongst remains of a life I should not own.
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me..."

Why does it take so much for me to believe that God has not only saved me, but is willing to fight for me? This is such an outrageous concept to me; the Death of Jesus - the son of God. I mean, think about it. The death of His one and only son was less painful than the thought of spending eternity apart from me - from you. This is mind blowing and heart melting. Jesus saved me, but the infinite creator of the universe, the King of everything, the Lord of heaven, and the GOD of EXISTENCE loves me enough to practically KILL his own son... just so he could embrace me.

Me, the one who allows all this horrible scum in and out of my life, like I've given it a portion of my heart. Why wouldn't I fully give all that I am to the one who loves me like that?

"Did you really have to die for me?
All I am for all you are,
because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart..."

I think my problem up to this point is I think I've been looking at this battle, this struggle, as a war I'm fighting for God, rather than a war he is fighting for me. I'm going to be really honest; I cannot defeat Satan. He is strong. He is powerful, and he is evil. I cannot defeat him. But God CAN, so I need to allow him to fight for me because, well, you cannot defeat God.

I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost.
And wipe away the crimson stains,
And dull the nails that still remain.
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour.
The battle between grace and pride;
I gave up not so long ago.

So steal my heart, and take the pain.
And wash the feet, and cleanse my pride.
Take the selfish, take the weak,
And all the things I cannot hide.
Take the beauty, take my tears
The sin-soaked heart and make it yours.
Take my world all apart.
Take it now, take it now.

And serve the ones that I despise.
Speak the words I can't deny.
Watch the world I used to love,
Fall to dust and thrown away.

Take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
Take my world apart...

Apart from him, I, we, can do nothing.

"This is the last time I'm starting over with you."

So, is it? Is this the last time I'm starting over? Is this the last time you're starting over? I hope so. I pray that you and I, whoever you are, reader, see the big picture, and see that God is willing to fight for us the battle we cannot possibly win. I love this about the God we serve. His love is infinite.

"Oh, he loves us. Oh, how he loves us. Oh, how he loves us. Oh, how he loves."

'I pray that you ... may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long
and high and deep is the love of Christ.' (Ephesians 3:17-19) That excites me to no end! I'm ready to rely on the Holy Spirit, I'm ready to really allow God into my life, and I'm ready to to live again.

Thanks for reading,
-Matt

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'Worlds Apart' by Jars of Clay
'Valley of Tomorrow' by NeedtoBreathe

'How He Loves' by David Crowder

Jerry Davison's blog and John Eldredge's blog located off to the side.